Simply Complaining

I’m 25. I have spent my whole life being an optimistic, confident and relatively happy person. Why is it that one person can make me so insecure. Is it some form of self sabotage? I think I am in a good relationship but somehow find myself searching my boyfriends computer while he is gone on this Friday night. I found out that he Facebook messaged his ex-girlfriend a few weeks ago. I thought I was fine with it; I trust him, I have no reason to believe that anything is going on between them because she lives 15 hours away and I’m pretty sure she’s engaged. However, what the fuck! He didn’t tell me about their communication, I had to stumble across it when he left his Facebook signed in! (We live together, so it’s not weird or stackerish that I’m on his computer.

I have been with my boyfriend for over three years, and for the most part we are very happy. But lately, the last year or so actually, it’s like we are a tiny bit off. I feel like he doesn’t want to spend time with me even though he says he does. I suppose we do spend enough time together. However, he will jump at the chance to do anything with anybody other than me. He never comes up with things that we can do together. I feel as though I need to convince him to hang out with me for a few hours at a time.

Tonight, a Friday night mind you, I am sitting at home alone because my plans with my one friend in this town fell through. My boyfriend, who from here on out we will call Jacob, is out playing Magic the Gathering. A game that he played when he was 12 and just decided to get back into about a month ago. He plays in tournaments every Friday night. It is pretty much one of the nerdyist games I have come across. And yet my 25 year old boyfriend is playing it at some gaming store with a bunch of adolescents. I am not trying to say that he cannot do the things he enjoys. That is not the case at all. In fact, I suppose I would rather him want to play magic than go to a bar and drink with his friends every Friday night. But it is the fact that he has class two nights a week, “guys night” (where they play video games until 2 in the am) one night a week, and then magic the gathering on Friday. That is four nights a week where I definitely don’t get to see him. That does not include when I travel for work, or either one of us has other plans on the weekends.

He has also been complaining about how we don’t have sex very often. Well, what the hell Jacob!! If you were ever home then we would be able to have sex a hell of a lot more often! As it stands I have sex with myself at least 5 times a week – so it’s not like I’m never in the mood! I’m in the mood nearly every day! But don’t you go waking me up when you done to come at midnight or later to get it on. I get very grouchy if I don’t get my sleep, plus I have to wake up by 7:30 to make it to work on time. We both work a 9 to 5 job. So what the hell does he expect from me! If he’s gone four nights out of the week, and then sleeps until noon both Saturday and Sunday from staying out so late during the week, how the hell does he think we have all this time to spend together?

It’s not like I don’t do anything other than work from 9 to 5. I typically have something to do for two to three hours two to three nights a week. I am not someone who just wants to sit at home and watch TV, I would much rather be out doing something. So I don’t understand why I cannot do things with my boyfriend. Isn’t that one of the points of having a boyfriend? To do fun things with them???????? I also travel at least one week in a month, sometimes much more, so wouldn’t you think he would want to spend time with me when I’m here. Wtf?

I am not from this area, he is. So he has all of his high school friends to hang around with. I do not. I have one good friend in the area. I am trying to make more (believe me it would make life so much easier to have more good girlfriends), but making friends once your out of school is hard. It not that I’m an unlikable person, or even hard to get along with, it’s just hard to find a place to meet people and then develop a relationship with them.

All that I want out of life is to be happy. And for the most part I am. It’s just that at some times I wish I was back in college living with my best friends. I don’t want to be someone who lives in the past or looks back on the “good old days” but you don’t even realize the times in your life when you have it really good. I love living with my boyfriend. I am currently just lacking a close relationship with someone who you can always hang out with and join in whatever they have going on and vice versa. Boyfriends are great, but maybe everything I’ve heard about passing the 3 year mark is true. That everything just changes. I love him, and yet I am so mad at him that he is not here right now. I do not want to spend my Friday night at home alone, and I would feel weird going out myself to a bar or something similar.
I hate sounding like a complaining bitch, but I don’t understand why he would want to leave me alone on a god damn Friday night to go and play a stupid card game.